A 60-year-old man describes the pressure of caring for his mother and running a stalled family business

A reader in his 60s wrote to The Irish Times describing a life that feels compressed by competing demands from his mother, his wife, and a family business that has stopped growing. He said he feels stuck and pessimistic about his future.

The man left Ireland years ago to build a career abroad. He said he saw a clear path and a future for himself in that country. After 10 years, his father died of a heart attack. The reader returned home to manage the family business, expecting the assignment to be short term. He is still there, and responsibilities have increased since his return.

He married a local woman. The reader acknowledged that she knew she was not his first choice. He said she frequently complains that he is not spontaneous in his affections. He also noted that his wife does not like his mother.

His mother recently fell ill and requires substantial care. Years before he left the country, she made him promise not to place her in a residential care home. He said she is now calling in that promise. He is under pressure to provide care while also managing the business.

His children are in college and moving toward postgraduate studies. He said the business is stable but is not expanding. He wants his children to leave home and establish their own lives, but he admitted he misses their energy.

Trish Murphy, who answered the letter, said the reader's sense of being stuck is clear. She noted that he has a lot of living left to do and should address underlying issues. She said it is good parenting that he is not passing his issues to his children.

Murphy said the wife feels the reader is more faithful to his mother than to her. She suggested that the couple needs a therapist to work through the relationship. She called the process risky but noted that drifting into a bland connection is also dangerous.

She suggested the reader consider taking a break from the business or selling it if the timing is right. She said his mother might accept respite care if the reader explains that he needs a break. She mentioned that a public health nurse can help source care options.

Murphy asked if other family members could help support the reader, his mother, or the business. She said if other people can help, the reader may be able to leave without too much guilt. She warned that if he promises a limited time away, he must keep his word so his mother trusts him to return.

She said the patterns in his life are negative and hurtful for both him and his wife. She suggested that counseling would help them focus on the problem and create intimacy. She said the reader needs to be truthful about how unfulfilled he is. She said if he is still harbouring feelings for someone from his past, he needs to face that and put it to rest. She said age is no excuse not to stretch himself.